married people

I hate it when people are married. It makes me feel guilty when I look at their breasts.

when to wonder

If you suddenly find yourself staggering down the middle of the street in the middle of the night drunk and bleeding, and if you find yourself wondering how you got there, and wondering about those people who are chasing you with pitchforks and torches and yelling in a strange language, well, that's probably a good thing to wonder about.

death bed

When I’m an old man, I’ll be a beautiful old man because I’ll laugh with a twinkle in my eye. I’ll have developed a great personality, with a beautiful, beautiful spirit. Then, when I’m on my deathbed about to die, I’ll look up and say “piss off all of you,” and pretend to die. I’ll lie there deathly still for ten minutes, stiff as a corpse. Then I’ll die for reals, and get stiff for reals, and become a real corpse, and it will be my private joke

the honest life

When I get up in the morning…heck, I won’t lie to you. I don’t get up in the morning. In fact, I’m still in bed, drinking whiskey in the buff and listening to the neighbors fight and hit each other. Man, it feels good to tell the truth, like an honest person.

zen masters

There are a lot of places in this world, and when I try to think about them all at once, I get this weird feeling, and I can’t speak for several minutes, and if I do, it comes out all garbled, like Italian. This get me wondering, how can I think about a place that I’ve never been? Suck on that one Zen masters.

Nasty

The people around here like to say it’s nasty when it’s cold out, or when it’s rainy. I say, they are the nasty ones, for turning something so natural as the cold weather or the rain into something nasty. What would Freud say? I ask. What would Freud say?

the aliens did it

When ever I encounter an unexplained phenomenon, like a strange mist across the valley, or a pain in my side that causes me to cry out "Oh God!," or a dog roaming with a strange look on its face without a master down a dark street, I always say the same thing: "The aliens did it."

tiny photos

Little, tiny pictures of people freak me out. Somebody that small could crawl up into someone’s ear. They could do some real damage in there.

Twitter, not like real life

When it comes to Twitter, I will follow anyone, because, hey, it’s not like real life, like when someone goes down a dark alley, and you follow him, and then he has his gang jumps you, with baseball bats and all, just for the fun of it, and to boost his reputation as a tough guy, hoping to get some more followers. That would never happen with Twitter. That would be absurd.

getting political

Even though I am not Mexican, so to speak, I can tell that I wouldn’t be so bad living there, if I wasn’t a government official, or an oppressed person. I could see myself getting really political.

the tree in the forest

Sometimes I look around me and I think, “What has happened to humanity?” And then I go outside, and I see humanity all over the place.

freak out your coworkers

If you want to freak out your coworkers, just do the following. When you write them an email, just place quotations around random words in your sentences. Like: Hey “Bob” how’s it going this morning? Did you ever get that “letter” I sent you? If not, I think that maybe your “wife” got “it” and didn’t give it to you. Let’s “meet” tomorrow for “lunch”. This would probably freak out your coworkers.

life is like a stage

Sometimes I think to myself: “Life is like a stage. People laugh and cry and run around all over you with their weird props, and then, when their fake, little lives are over, they turn off the lights and leave you in the dark, by yourself, with only the janitor, who then molests you with his large, dirty broom.”

my tip

If you are like me, and you get up every morning wanting to kill yourself with what ever happens to be closest to you, say a lamp, or that little table next to your bed that the lamp stands on, or with the alarm clock, don’t worry about it. I’ve found a solution. Stand your lamp, and the lamp table, and the alarm clock upside down the night before, and then when you wake up, and peer about your room with that crazy look on your face, there will be no danger. Because, after all, things that are upside down just make you feel silly, especially when you want to bludgeon yourself. That’s my tip.

national economy

The problem with our national economy is that we use paper money instead of shells, livestock, or human “workers”, like in the olden days. Except, I know, I know, trading people is wrong. These days, instead of people they could be robots that we trade, and the robots wouldn’t care because they have no souls. We could make them live in little shacks, and point ant laugh at them whenever we wanted to, calling them “tin cans” or shouting, “Mother? You have no mother!” Now that will be the day.

lightening struck

According to this radio program I was listening to in my car, the best place to be during a lightening storm is in your car. Unless, of course, I would add, you are driving off a cliff because you were fiddling with the radio, or if your car was about to explode because some gansta put a bomb in it. Then, probably, a tree would be better.

early birds getting the worms

There is an old saying that goes, “The early bird gets the worm.” This is supposed to be a good thing, getting the worm. But what if you are not a bird? What if you are indeed a worm, and you happen to get up early? Do you then get the bird? So, just because you have no arms or legs, and no beak, you have to eaten by a bird? I don’t know about you, but I’d rather live in a world where there are no birds or worms who are stupid enough to play into the sayings of the ancient “wisemen”, who have nothing better to do than get up early, walking around trying to think up clever sayings about worms and birds. They are the worms, I say, they are the worms.

comedy

Once, a comedian told me, “If people don’t understand your humor, bite them.” Unfortunately for him, he had luscious looking skin, so I made up an obscure joke, just so he wouldn’t get it.

the American dream

If I had a wife, and we had a large, happy family, with lots of money, and a sweet vacation home nestled somewhere cozy, and a regular house somewhere else, I would say: “This is the American Dream.” But then, if my vacation house was looted, and my other, regular house burnt down with my family inside, and with my piles of money inside, I would say, “This is the American Nightmare.” Then I’d wake up.

starting a revolution

If you want to start a revolution, you can’t just begin shouting and waving your arms, this is the common mistake. You’ve got to shout, wave your arms, and wear really, really bright colors.